Freezing Rain

People never tell you how difficult it is to have a miscarriage. And I mean how emotionally difficult it is. It has been almost 3 months since we found out that we lost our baby and to this very day, this very second even, I tear up or just plain out cry when I think about it. It hurts deep down inside every time.

If our baby stayed on earth with us, we would be finding out this week or next week whether he/she was a boy or a girl. When I hear my newly pregnant friends talking about their pregnancies, I would be able to chime in on how mine is going. I wouldn't cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about what our child would have looked like and what they would have accomplished in life.

While I cry, I cry even more because I feel so weak. I know friends and family members who are going through much more difficult times than we are. I feel bad because I can't seem to not be upset. I feel bad because I don't want them to think I'm trying to downplay their hardships. I am not a person who is this emotional all the time. I'm praying to get over this pain and get my normal even-keeled emotions back.

Every day I pray and thank the Lord for our baby and the experience. I want to talk to people more about it, but it is an awkward and uncomfortable conversation for most people so I stray away from doing so. I think of all the moms and dads, brothers and sisters, who lost a baby before they were born into this world. I know I'm not alone in this silent suffering. That comforts me some, but doesn't keep me from crying.

My days are good and I am blessed. But just because I a find joy in life as a Christian does not mean that I do not have moments in my days where I find a corner to cry and pray to God asking for guidance and clarity. I am so human and make mistakes with my words, thoughts, and actions repeatedly. However, I know that God's love for me should make me stronger every day and so I am going to keep trying to live my days to pay him back for the blessings and experiences that He has given me.

I just want to be honest and let people know that I am not lying when I have a smile on my face-because I am a genuinely joyful person; but at the same time, I have my difficult moments where I break down and can't go any farther on my own. I'm not ashamed to say that. This whole 'life' thing is very tough and gets more interesting as I get older. You can be joyful and human at the same time. It's a strange blessing. Some of us have a little bit of Christ living in us to allow us that joy.

I'm looking forward to the day where my whole being will be devoted to Him and I will no longer hold the pain of losing a child or have the fear of never holding my newborn baby in my arms again...

Revelation 21:3-6

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6 And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 

Don't be Scared

Well, student has begun and been going on for 5 weeks now. I am at an elementary school outside of town, and I love it. I have been blessed with students who listen well (for the most part) and actually want to participate. I accredit all this to the students of course and not me (although I'm hoping the curriculum and myself are also huge benefactors). Every day is exhausting-being on my feet for 7 hours with only a few breaks in-between. The exhaustion doesn't discourage me though because I am in love with teaching! I am overjoyed that I have found my skills and can finally use them for God as he intended. It took 6 years of college and 2 degrees, but it is safe to say I have found a keeper in teaching physical education.
I will be switching over to the middle school come October 14th, so I am also hoping I still thoroughly enjoy the 6th-8th graders as well as teaching them health! I know attitudes in middle school will be more prominent than in elementary school so I am working on my disciplinary skills currently. I am looking forward to the day when I will be paid to do these things :)

At first, I was a little scared about teaching because I had some doubts in myself. However, I still knew I could do it and do it well. My cooperating teacher has complemented me every day on how well I am doing which has been a great encouragement. My doubt did not last long-I think my very first class of student teaching showed me that I would be fine and do a good, thorough job. I am glad that I have found my gifts and can now use them to impact children and families in a beneficial way.

One week into student teaching, I also got a scare concerning our newly conceived baby. I had some complications and made an ultrasound appointment to have the baby checked out. Unfortunately for us, our baby left this world earlier in August and is now with Jesus, their Creator. We miss our baby and at first we were very sad that we would never hold our baby here on earth. But, we find incredible joy in the fact that our child experienced no pain, is being held in the arms of Christ, and is now doing what they were created to do-glorify and worship the Lord. We are only sad because we miss him/her, but our joy for our baby's life always overwhelms our sorrows :) We are thankful for the time we had with our baby and the joy they brought us just as much as we are thankful that our child is in the presence of Christ right now and for the rest of eternity. The Lord blesses us in strange ways sometimes and it can be overwhelming and very difficult during those times. But we cannot ever be angry with Him because all we have is His. All we have ever been given is His. All we will ever receive is a gracious gift from Him. The grace He gives us is encouraging and brings overwhelming joy. His grace puts life into perspective and reminds us of how much we need Him. He knows how to care for us and reveal to us His sovereignty over all things.

Another great thing that helps us find joy is the fact that God knows what we are going through. He lost a child as well. His child endured hardship though and endured it unjustly-for us. Not only in our place, but so that when we leave this world we will live with Him eternally. It does not get any better than that.

Don't be scared.

2 Corinthians 4:15-18 (NASB)

For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is[e]spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

A Rainy Two Weeks

Within the past 2 weeks, I've seen the lives of 2 families go from 'normal' to torn apart. First, a family from the town I grew up in has been without their daughter for two weeks and one day. No one knows where she is (or if they do, they are not telling) and many are afraid that she may have been killed. I don't know the girl, but I know many who do. The FBI, state, local police, friends, family and strangers have all been doing their best to find her and her abductor (as evidence seems to point to her being abducted). This family's life has been turned around completely. I don't know how they rest, eat, breathe, or move. I don't even know them, and I have had dreams about it and pray for the missing girl and her family every day. I can't imagine what they are going through...

Secondly, last night, Stephen and I watched as our neighbors were handcuffed by the SWAT on what we assume was a drug bust. We also watched their 8/9 year old son and his friend as they were escorted from their home by the SWAT, undercover cops, and the police. Numerous cars, trucks, and armored trucks came to their home and too many people to count searched their home, questioned them, and took them all away at different times. Even though what our neighbors had been doing was illegal, to see a family broken up and to watch a young boy experience SWAT members barge into their home on a dark, rainy night, arrest and question his parents is unbelievably difficult. I'm sure the boy is tough when compared to other kids his age as his life has been filled with strangers coming and going, a drunken father, and conversations that include yelling a lot of the time. BUT he is a 9 year old boy-nobody ever wishes that kind of a life for any person of any age. I told Stephen, 'I feel so bad. I don't know what we could have done to help them.' Stephen was right when he said, 'I wish I would have thrown the football more with him'. I imagine over the next couple days we'll see what has exactly happened. We think the dad was released and is back in the house, but we haven't seen anyone today. Time will tell. 

Either way, after seeing  and hearing about these life-changing times for these families, I can only think that I need to care more for people when I have the opportunity. I need to look-out for the well-being of people and not shrug them off because at any time, their lives can change and maybe they needed that little bit of joy in their lives by something I did for them or said to them. If you do read this, I'll ask you to please keep both families in your prayers.

Another Baby

It's true...I have pulled out of storage my two pregnancy books What to Expect When You're Expecting and Your Pregnancy and Childbirth. 

YES! There is another Proffitt in the making! Due around April 7th, 2014, Austin's little brother or sister will become the next perfect, breathing piece of our family. It's still really early along, so we are keeping this baby in our prayers even more than usual. I am still in shock that God has allowed us to be such an influential part in another precious human life. I may or may not be tearing up right now because I am so overjoyed...Oh, we are so blessed. Of course it means weight gain, fatigue, labor, delivery, recovery, sleepless nights, a messy house, etc but with the bad comes the good-a little baby Proffitt and brother/sister for Austin! Another life to bring more glory to our Creator. And all of those tough experiences are worth it too, otherwise, I don't think I would do it all over again, because I'm incredibly human and weak ;)

Call me crazy, but it is happening. There is no turning back now! People, get ready. This ride is going to get wild! (or so I hear!)

It cannot get more clear. PREGGO....

Slowing Down

Since I have finished the semester, things have finally wound down a little for Austin and myself. Austin and I man the house while Stephen goes to work 5-6 days a week. Austin can now stand on his own and even take a few steps. He can hand-feed himself, drink from a sippee cup, and wave as well. Austin turned 10 months old this past week! He can cruise, as the doctor calls it, as he can move from object to object while standing. He has a kiddie pool that he likes to play in and climb in and out of. Stephen and I both got to celebrate mother's and father's day this year! I cannot believe that we are now parents with the title 'mother' and 'father'. That makes me feel a tiny bit old! 

Stephen and Austin after church on Stephen's first father's day!

Austin and I have started jogging as my in-laws bought us a jogging stroller for $5 from a yard sale! We even saw a turtle one day-Austin didn't know why I was taking the picture, but he still smiled!

On the Blackwater Creek Trail in downtown Lynchburg

And sometimes, after we run and play, we like to relax. 

Summer Can't Come Soon Enough!

All I talk about these days is my son, Austin, or about how I'm a mom now. I know I don't know everything and I also know that other mom's reading this may be judging me, thinking, 'Oh, just wait til they start walking' or 'Wait til you have 2 or more!'. I want to be clear that I'd like to give all other mom's a little credit in this post. Austin is only 7 months old and he is my only child, so I have a lot of respect for all you moms out there with more experience than me. I know I still have a lot to learn!

I have 3 sister-in-laws (sisters-in-law?) who have 3, 4, and 5 children. I don't know how they manage to brush their teeth, let alone make a meal. Before Austin was born, I remember each of them giving me suggestions and telling me things about what it would be like to be a mom. Honestly, I don't remember everything because at the time, I didn't realize how important the things were that they told me and how real they would become. I have great respect for all moms. It took living in their shoes to actually understand and appreciate them to the extent they deserve. Moms are awesome. Of course you have your awkward and weird moms out there, but still, the work they do is unbelievably impressive!

Even though I couldn't repeat all that my 'sisters' told me, I really appreciate them caring enough to fill me in. I also appreciate each of them giving us so many useful things for Austin-toys, diapers, wipes, bottles, spoons, bibs, a car seat, bases, pack-n-plays, high chairs, a pump, a tub, and CLOTHES! We have been blessed in many ways, and one of those is that we have only bought Austin 2 outfits-swimming trunks and his Christmas outfit. Oh, and we bought him a Washington Redskins shirt. Of course all 3 of those things were on an incredible sale :)

Anyway, I think being a resident student who is taking 18 credits makes being a mom and wife very tiring. I'm excited for the summer when I won't be in school and won't have a job, but instead I'll be able to spend every single day with my baby boy! No homework will get in the way, no practicum will need to be completed a few hours each week, no need to set aside 20 minutes to take Austin to the babysitter before I go to class, no waking up at 4am to study, and no riding my bike or walking to class. No school also means that there will be no dishes piled up on the kitchen counter, no trash piled up on the back porch, no un-vacuumed house, clean sheets every week, and clean laundry every other day!

I have already made a list of to-dos for the summer. I usually make lists every day during the semester, but those lists are things I don't want to do, but have to do. My summer list is full of things I want to do! Austin and I are going to have such a good time while daddy is away at work. And Stephen will come home each night to a homemade meal after a long day's work. Summer 2013 will be a win-win-win situation for all 3 of us!

Austin is already crawling so I'm sure summer will have its craziness with it, but I am hoping that it will include a little more time to do the things that I love-like spending time with my baby and with my man :)

Community Groups and ....Community

Our community groups at Gospel Community Church have started back up again for the year. We have already had 3 meetings and a lot of great discussion. Stephen and I first joined a group back in June of 2012. We have been able to meet some new people and make new friends through it, but also study the Word with a group of fellow believers. Our group is also a type of accountability group which is great for me, since I am very likely to fall asleep in the middle of anything nowadays. Praying...zzzz. Reading...zzzz. Talking...zzzz. Studying...zzzz. Driving...zzzz....just kidding! I have yet to fall asleep while driving. It is also good because I need to focus more on being intentional with my family, friends, strangers, and with God.

Last semester, we didn't go to our community group because we were still adjusting with Austin joining our 'team', but this semester, we are studying the book of James. It has really got me thinking about how I want to reach out into the Lynchburg community more. I'm not always sure how to do that, but I think it will take me being more intentional and being a lot less lazy. Usually, whenever I have a free minute from school, Austin, dishes (we have no dishwasher), cooking, and studying I just want to lay down and relax-preferably sleep. But I've recently felt challenged to step out a little more.

Stephen and I are hoping to get involved in a local youth group out of Gospel Community, and so we are currently praying about that next step. I also want to find people in the community and do what a can for them. Today, a friend of mine and I took some food and baby supplies to a young girl who recently had a baby. I know I appreciated all the help I had when Austin was born, so I really wanted to share that with someone else who could use it. That was just one small thing, but I had been wanting to do that for months, so I was glad we were able to do it.

I was also hoping I could help coach lacrosse this semester, but I just don't have the time. Because of that, I really feel left out of the community. I want to reach out to those who aren't Christians and was hoping I could really work on that with the girls on the lacrosse team. But, God closed that door so now I'm looking for another....

It is so difficult because I think of all these limitations I have-finances, time, energy, etc-and it is almost as though I try to talk myself out of serving these people. But, James really has me thinking and I am trying to step out a little more and put my faith into action more. I think I need to start by forming some relationships with my neighbors-literally. Anyway, maybe other people reading this are in the same boat as I am-looking, praying, and trying to live out their faith more...hopefully, I can come back later on and have a good update on this topic...

Lessons Learned

Every year on February 19th my birthday rolls around. Well, it is that time of year again as my birthday will arrive on Tuesday. Stephen never knows what to get me because I rarely take the time to think about what I may want. Well, this year, I made a secret board on Pinterest with all the things I would love to have. Not that I need to have them, just to keep Stephen from yelling at me for not giving him any ideas ;p I showed it to Stephen so he could plan ahead.

With that said, this morning Stephen looked at it. According to him, I don't actually want the things I want.

Cute swimsuit top at Target? 'No, that's from the 80s'.
Nice creme colored hobo bag? 'I already got you a purse 2 years ago'.
Hair cut? 'That's too expensive' (I get my hair cut ONCE a year).
Down comforter? 'We already have a comforter'.
Curling iron? 'Maybe. I'm not sure though' (I haven't had a curling iron for 4 years).
New shirts? 'I don't know what size you wear.' (I haven't bought clothes for myself in at least 2 years-except for 3 maternity pieces, and I can't wear those anymore).
A whistle, jump rope, collared shirt, gym pants, PE books? 'No, that's not what you want for your birthday' (Yes, yes it is).

So, next year, I will revert to my old ways and not tell him anything since he will disregard it anyway. #2,835th lesson learned about life with Stephen...what a crazy fella :)

Life....

Let's skip to the point: All in all, God provides. He provides for us physically, spiritually, and financially. He provides for us through strangers, friends, coworkers, and family. He provides the type, the amount, and the thing that He knows is right for us at that point in time. Is it always what we want? Is it always what we think we need? I don't think so. However, when we are so in tune with God, when we are so wrapped up in His Word, when we are on the same page with Him, our hearts, our desires, our whole entire being starts to be transformed to be more like His. This is when you are given the 'desires of your heart'. Only when you 'delight yourself in the Lord' will He grant you those desires. This is because our heart is set on what He wants for us. If you ask me, there is no wrong desire coming from your heart as long your desires are fully set on the Lord's.

That is the challenge though, isn't it? It is easier said than done. When we are having rough patches in life, we need to remember to stay in tune with the Lord so we can do what we need to do and hear from Him what we need to hear.

Austin at 3 Months Old

I'm going to be down-right honest here-I am blessed beyond belief! I'm sure others have heard this, as did I, but the love for your baby is incredible and like no other love you have experienced before. People told me how awesome and magical it would be to be married to my best friend, and I love Stephen to death but (don't get me wrong) it's a different kind of 'magic' than marriage. Yes, it's great having my best friend be my bosom buddy and strong male figure, but there is still something different from experiencing the magic of marriage to the magic of having a baby.

3 weeks old. At this point, he still had loose skin and had not filled out yet.

At first (the first 2 weeks), being a momma was hard. I did not sleep longer than 3 hours at a time which made me exhausted and physically tired all the time. My recovery from delivery hurt SO bad! It felt like I got run over by a train. ---> Before I wrote that last sentence, I had written a great analogy on how my body felt, but Stephen read it and informed me that it was too much info for the internet and he made me erase it. You can thank him for that, I suppose. Well, besides no sleep and a train-wrecked body, I was nursing. I will leave out the explicit details of the pain of that as well. If you have questions ladies, just ask me privately and I will inform you. You'll probably want to know what to expect before you pop out a little bundle of joy too :)

6 weeks old. He IS a bundle of joy :)

All of these things made it so hard for me to get to know Austin in that time. My family kept telling me, 'It'll get better' but better seemed to be months away. I was so worn down physically and mentally. Around 3-4 weeks, things were just about back to normal for me physically, and I could finally stop fighting with those pains and instead put all my thoughts into getting to know my little sweetheart. The one thing though that kept me enthralled with Austin was the fact that God created him inside of me, practically out of nothing. It blew my mind. No one can explain to you the feeling you get when you think about that...maybe I explained that wrong. It's not quite a feeling, but a constant brain-buster as you try to wrap your mind around the fact that a human being was made while inside of your body. Miraculous.

Well, as time has progressed, Austin has become my new bosom buddy, literally. But seriously, the two of us are like buds. We hang out for hours each day and I love that I know him so well and can tell what he needs or wants at any time. I love the fact that he calms down when he sees my face and when I hold him. I love that he grins at me when I wake him up. I cover him in kisses all the time and have so many gushy names for him that will one day be embarrassing and I will no longer be allowed to call him. As of today, he is 3 months and 3 weeks old. He'll turn 4 months old two days after Christmas!

3 months! (13 weeks) He has filled out!

Today, we bought him 3 Christmas presents. 1) a bumbo seat and tray, 2) a red bow tie, and 3) red suspenders. He will of course not really love any of those, but I don't think he's quite at the age where he will 'enjoy' gifts anyway.

Posing with the gingerbread house that he great aunt Lynn made him for his 1st Christmas!

An End of a Semester...

Well, besides me being a new mom, I'm not much different than the old Katie. My classmates this past semester were funny because they said I'm the wisest seeing that I'm now a mom. I beg to differ, and I did whenever they said that. I just laughed a little because I knew they were joking. I tried to just have fun in my activity class especially because I wanted people to know I'm still a 23 year old who is in college just as they are and that we really aren't that different. I just wanted to have some fun like the rest of them, you know? I love Austin and wouldn't trade him for anything but that doesn't mean that I'm now some washed up old woman!

You know, in the past I have always heard people say that everyone they know is getting married or having babies. Yes, everyone I know seems to be getting married and having babies now. I can think of 7 people I know who are expecting and 7 people who are engaged to be married. I guess I've reached that point in life where I can say that too. It is so strange. It seems that just yesterday I was a sophomore in college-boyfriendless, babyless, and free to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. Time sure does fly...

I managed to get away with A's and B's this past semester. But then again, I did only have 9 credits so it wasn't really that bad. This semester, I graduate. Well, as long as I pass my classes. I still need to get signed into 3 classes and I only have 2 days to do that before the semester starts on Monday! Ah!! But, I'm working hard on it and I have faith that God has some wise plan about it all. Trying to find my teachers while caring for a 4 1/2 month old is more difficult than finding a needle in a haystack!

Austin has become quite the chatterbox now and he loves playing with his feet. I hope and pray for him each day that he will continue to stay healthy and that we can be great parents for him pointing him a direction that leads him to following Christ.