People never tell you how difficult it is to have a miscarriage. And I mean how emotionally difficult it is. It has been almost 3 months since we found out that we lost our baby and to this very day, this very second even, I tear up or just plain out cry when I think about it. It hurts deep down inside every time.
If our baby stayed on earth with us, we would be finding out this week or next week whether he/she was a boy or a girl. When I hear my newly pregnant friends talking about their pregnancies, I would be able to chime in on how mine is going. I wouldn't cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about what our child would have looked like and what they would have accomplished in life.
While I cry, I cry even more because I feel so weak. I know friends and family members who are going through much more difficult times than we are. I feel bad because I can't seem to not be upset. I feel bad because I don't want them to think I'm trying to downplay their hardships. I am not a person who is this emotional all the time. I'm praying to get over this pain and get my normal even-keeled emotions back.
Every day I pray and thank the Lord for our baby and the experience. I want to talk to people more about it, but it is an awkward and uncomfortable conversation for most people so I stray away from doing so. I think of all the moms and dads, brothers and sisters, who lost a baby before they were born into this world. I know I'm not alone in this silent suffering. That comforts me some, but doesn't keep me from crying.
My days are good and I am blessed. But just because I a find joy in life as a Christian does not mean that I do not have moments in my days where I find a corner to cry and pray to God asking for guidance and clarity. I am so human and make mistakes with my words, thoughts, and actions repeatedly. However, I know that God's love for me should make me stronger every day and so I am going to keep trying to live my days to pay him back for the blessings and experiences that He has given me.
I just want to be honest and let people know that I am not lying when I have a smile on my face-because I am a genuinely joyful person; but at the same time, I have my difficult moments where I break down and can't go any farther on my own. I'm not ashamed to say that. This whole 'life' thing is very tough and gets more interesting as I get older. You can be joyful and human at the same time. It's a strange blessing. Some of us have a little bit of Christ living in us to allow us that joy.
I'm looking forward to the day where my whole being will be devoted to Him and I will no longer hold the pain of losing a child or have the fear of never holding my newborn baby in my arms again...
Revelation 21:3-6
3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6 And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.
